Our Disappearing Morals - And How to Get Them Back: A Serious Essay

I have recently stumbled upon the cause of a problem I think we can all agree is highly urgent, and will inevitably result in the eventual demise of the human race. Our societal conscience is vanishing. As a society, our morals are rapidly declining. I know it, and you know it. But, what has gone unknown for the past decade as we have been bystanders of our own downward spiral, is why? Until now.

And it's so simple.

You see, the decline of our morals has been proportional to the decline in, for lack of a better term, the Boogie Man.

Things that used to be okay for parents - back in our 'moral glory days' - are taboo now. And I'm not talking about spanking, humiliating, or washing mouth out with soap. No, I'm talking about scaring the living daylights out of children. That's right, the fear of death.

It's a practice that has been conducted throughout human history, and in all parts of the globe.

"Brush your teeth or the Boogie Man is gonna get ya!"

"Don't tell a lie or the swamp monster will haul you back to his lair!"

"Be nice to your sister or the devil himself will open a gaping chasm in the earth and reach up with his dreadful, molten hand and fetch you down to the cursed depths of eternal hell!"

For some inexplicable reason, that kind of thing is frowned upon nowadays. But so is being a virgin when you get married. Coincidence? I think not.

If you're old enough, you know what I'm talking about. Your parents, or your grandparents, used this tool effectively. Part of it could be because that's all they had to use. Today, we can tell our kids that we'll 'ground' them from their video games, computers, telephones, iPods, and on and on. We've gotten lazy.

But much of the time that just doesn't work. Why? Because time away from a video game for a couple of days is something we all know has a very low mortality rate. But, as we also know, once the Mutant-Wolf-Man gets a whiff of a misbehaving child, he's a goner.

So beautiful, yet so lethal.

Bring back the Sasquatch, Werewolf, Boogie man, Yeti, Swamp Monster, and of course the hideous Man-Thing. As parents, fear of a gruesome violent death is the best weapon against a child that doesn't bring home an acceptable report card.

Oh, and a quick tip: don't be afraid to 'plant' a few werewolf footprints outside your child's bedroom window if, for example, they don't finish their chores on time. This is the forgotten secret that has been lost among our most recent generation, and it works wonders in creating a harmonious, loving family united against a common enemy that patiently stalks, hunts, and finally pounces on the weak.

Don't be weak - and you might just survive. It's a powerful message that today's children just don't hear enough. So, do your part in saving the human race. Bring back the Boogie Man.

With a vengeance.